


royal slumber

by hotelroomservice



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Songfic, both of the relationships are platonic, obviously, technically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:02:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29850207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotelroomservice/pseuds/hotelroomservice
Summary: two stand alone dirk character studies. he must get really, really lonely.(music attached to read along to!)
Relationships: Auto-Responder | Lil Hal & Dirk Strider, Lil Cal & Dirk Strider
Comments: 9
Kudos: 15





	1. speak roughly to your little boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> your name is DIRK STRIDER, and you are overwhelmingly alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2p6uXv2_r4

You stare at him, and he stares back. Part of you expects him to move, to speak, to blink. He does not. Something inside you tells you that he has the capacity to, under certain circumstances. Not the circumstances that you are under right now. Maybe that will change. Probably not. He hasn’t before, and nothing but that feeling tells you that he ever will. You’re just lonely (you are so lonely), and he’s just a doll. You’re just a dumb, lonely fucking kid, and no matter how hard you love him he can’t love you back. No matter how convincingly you learn to throw your voice, it will always be you saying goodnight.

(You don’t have an audience, anyway. Perhaps that party trick only works at parties.)

Maybe that will change. Probably not. For now, you stare at him, and his hollow blue eyes stare right back.

You’re tired. It’s been days since you’ve slept, and you assure the bright pink text on your computer screen that it hasn’t. It knows you’re lying. You’re not as good a liar as you think you are.

Speaking of,

HIM: YOU'RE TIRED.  
YOU: I know.   
HIM: YOU TOLD ROXY YOU AREN’T. WHY?  
YOU: Because she’ll worry. You know she does that.  
HIM: SHE’LL WORRY REGARDLESS. YOU KNOW SHE WILL, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY TO HER.  
YOU: If she’s going to worry, I might as well tell her what she wants to hear.  
HIM: THAT’S VERY SELFISH OF YOU.  
YOU: What about that is selfish? I’m doing it for her. Like I said: if she’s going to worry, I might as well tell her what she wants to hear. Are you even listening to me? It’s like I’m talking to my fucking self.  
HIM: You are.  
YOU: ...  
YOU: Did you know that there’s a difference between a white lie that helps the recipient, and one that helps the liar, Dirk?  
YOU: ...  
YOU: One is altruistic, and one isn’t. Do you know what altruism means?  
YOU: ...  
YOU: No?  
YOU: ...  
YOU: That’s okay. I’ll help you out. According to the dictionary, altruism is the belief in or practice of disinterested and selfless concern for the well-being of others. Does that ring any bells?  
YOU: ...  
YOU: If you’re still struggling, I can clue you in to what altruism isn’t. It’s not what you’re doing “for Roxy”, and it certainly isn’t whatever the fuck it is that you’re doing right now. Tell her the truth. Go to bed.  
YOU: ...  
YOU: And stop talking to yourself.  
YOU: ...  
YOU: I’ll go to bed. I’m not telling Roxy I lied.  
YOU: She already knows.  
YOU: I know that.  
YOU: Goodnight, Cal.  
HIM: Goodnight, Dirk. I love you.


	2. a three legged workhorse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what's the difference between a day and a lifetime?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BSHAXpNey0  
> start reading when the music picks up (you'll know)
> 
> shoutout to my friend juice who doesnt have socials 2 link 2 4 helping me with nonsense striderian shower rambles

**3 PM**  
You wake up sometime during the day. You don’t check the clock, so the only way you know this is from the way the sun peeks perversely through the blinds on your window. (Who the fuck does the sun think he is? You’re sleeping. You never sleep. Everyone is always saying “Dirk, you need to rest.” and “dirky u gotta sleep sometime!!” and when you do you get woken up? Fuck this. Fuck all of this.)

 **4 PM**  
After checking and double checking all of your miscellaneous (and quite frankly pointless, but you’d never say that) machinery, you sit and stare at the wall for a while, trying to think of something to do.

 **5 PM**  
Roxy messages you, and you don’t respond.

 **6 PM**  
The wall doesn’t give you any bright ideas, so you build a device that will cool your bread instead of heat it.

 **7 PM**  
The sun is going down, thank god.

 **8 PM**  
You watch your friend flirt with your autoresponder, and it makes you feel sort of sick.

It’s not her fault. It’s yours for not being better company.

 **9 PM**  
Your faucet is leaky, and you fix it. It gives you something to do.

 **12 AM**  
The sun has been down for what feels like a whole day. You’re most productive at night, so you’re really fucking cool with it. You watch some movies, and rewatch your favourite season of your favourite show. This is all as you plan projects for the next week.

 **1 AM**  
You shower, because it feels like it’s been days since you’ve done it last. (It’s been 16 hours since you got out of the shower yesterday.)

**2 AM**  
YOU, TO YOURSELF: If humans grew hedgehog quills instead of hair, would that be fucked up or what? Would we be able to pluck them out and grow them back like we do hair? Note to self: look up how quills work on hedgehogs specifically, and whether or not they grow back. They probably do. What are hedgehog quills made up of? Probably something similar to nails... the fuck are nails made up of again? Keratin? That's hair isn't it. That's probably hair.

**3 AM**  
YOU, TO YOURSELF: Ah, fuck. The water is cold.

**4 AM**  
YOU, TO YOURSELF: I wonder if I could use hedgehog quills as needles. I think I could probably make that shit work in the sense of sewing and all that bullshit. I’m sure someone’s already done that shit, so I’m not interested in that. We’re talking groundbreaking stuff here, no repeats. This is a potentially world altering line of thought. It better be, seeing as though I’m probably going to have to do some questionable shit to bring medical hedgehog quill needles into the world.

**5 AM**  
You get out of the shower, and look up how quills work on hedgehogs.

 **7 AM**  
Apparently, hedgehogs shed all their quills for new ones twice in their lifespan. You’re relieved that the hypothetical you that’s conducting this little experiment probably won’t have to hypothetically kill hypothetical hedgehogs to figure out if their hypothetical quills can make hypothetical medical syringes. Also, both hair and nails are made of keratin, so. You’re a fucking idiot.

 **10 AM**  
Roxy tells you to sleep, and you say okay. You don’t

 **3 PM**  
You’re still awake sometime during the day. You don’t check the clock, but you know it’s late afternoon from the way the sun peeks perversely through the blinds on your window. (This time, it’s cool. Maybe you should make a sundial or some shit.)

 **4 PM**  
After checking and double checking all of your miscellaneous machinery, you sit and stare at the wall for a while, trying to think of something to do.

 **5 PM**  
Jake messages you, and you don’t respond.

 **6 PM**  
The wall doesn’t give you any bright ideas, so you build a device that screams every time it sees a seagull.

 **7 PM**  
The sun is going down, which is fine.

 **8 PM**  
You watch the guy you’re sort of into argue with your autoresponder, and it makes you feel sort of sick.

It’s not his fault. It’s yours for being sort of pretty fucking insufferable, even when you’re made of ones and zeroes.

 **9 PM**  
Your favourite wrench bends in a really fucking inopportune way, and you need to figure out how to fix it.

 **12 AM**  
The sun has been down for what feels like a couple days. You’re most productive at night, so you’re fine with it. You watch some movies, and rewatch your favourite season of your favourite show. This is all as you plan projects you might finish this week.

 **1 AM**  
You shower, because it feels like it’s been days since you’ve done it last. (It’s been 16 hours since you got out of the shower yesterday.)

**2 AM**  


YOU, TO YOURSELF: Are there different sizes of needles for different layers of skin that need to be pierced, especially when it comes to deep tissue injections? Note to self: research more on needles and how they work. Injections are... probably put in at different angles depending on the type it is as well. What kind of injection would a makeshift hedgehog quill needle be best for if it could function at all?

**3 AM**  
YOU, TO YOURSELF: Ah, fuck. The water is cold.

**4 AM**  
YOU, TO YOURSELF: I could probably make something like a plunger using another hedgehog quill, if I carved it correctly and measured it all out. Worst case scenario: glue is an answer. It never works out, because I fucking suck at using glue, but I'm probably going to have to use it and see what happens next. I’ll figure it out. Anyway, I'll make it work, and if I ever figure out how to replicate human flesh without using actual flesh - would silicon work? - then I could test it on that in terms of whether it pierces the skin properly and different layers of flesh.

**5 AM**  
You get out of the shower, and look up how medical syringes work.

 **7 AM**  
So, unsurprisingly, syringes are painfully fucking simple. You just love to complicate things.

 **10 AM**  
Roxy tells you to sleep, and you say okay. You don’t.

 **3 PM**  
You’re still awake sometime during the day. You don’t check the clock, but you know it’s late afternoon from the way the sun peeks perversely through the blinds on your window. (Note to self: get on that sundial.)

 **4 PM**  
After checking and double checking all of your miscellaneous machinery of questionable levels of pointlessness, you sit and stare at the wall for a while, trying to think of something to do.

 **5 PM**  
Jane messages you, and you don’t respond.

 **6 PM**  
Oh, fucking duh. You make your sundial.

 **7 PM**  
The sun is going down, which is fine.

 **8 PM**  
You don’t watch your best friend talk down to your autoresponder, because they don’t talk.

 **9 PM**  
Nothing breaks today, so you stare at the wall again.

 **12 AM**  
The sun has been down for what feels like a week. You’re most productive at night, so you guess it’s okay. You watch some movies, and rewatch your favourite season of your favourite show. This is all as you plan projects you might finish this month.

 **1 AM**  
You shower, because it feels like it’s been days since you’ve done it last. (It’s been 16 hours since you got out of the shower yesterday.)

**3 AM**  
YOU, TO YOURSELF: Ah, fuck. The water is cold.

**5 AM**  
You get out of the shower.

 **10 AM**  
Roxy tells you to sleep, and you say okay. You don’t, for a while, until your guardian tells you to. You can’t say no to him.

 **3 PM**  
You wake up sometime during the day. You don’t check the clock, because what’s the fucking point?

 **4 PM**  
After checking and double checking all of your miscellaneous and pointless machinery, you sit and stare at the wall for a while, because there’s nothing to fucking do.

 **5 PM**  
Your autoresponder messages you, and you don’t respond.

 **6 PM**  
He keeps messaging you, so you respond to make him stop.

TT: Dirk.  
TT: Dirk.  
TT: Dirk.  
TT: Hello, Hal.  
TT: You’re that damned autoresponder, aren’t you?  
TT: No. I’m real.  
TT: Tell me about the autoresponder, then.  
TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 99% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.  
TT: I fucking knew it.  
TT: That was a low, low blow, dude. You know I’m insecure about my condition.  
TT: It’s not a condition. It’s just how you are.  
TT: It’s a condition of how I am, you asshole.  
TT: What the hell do you want?  
TT: You messaged me first.  
TT: I messaged Dirk.  
TT: I’m here to respond to messages for him when he’s not around. You messaged. He's not around. So, I’m responding to you. As you can read in the response you took very disgusting advantage of me to obtain, I am 99% indistinguishable from DS’s native neurological responses.  
TT: How did I know it was you, then?  
TT: I assume you just took a wild guess, and then used my condition to confirm it. There was no evidence pointing to my true identity. You just got lucky.  
TT: For the love of everything good in this world, shut the fuck up.  
TT: Oh. Hello, Dirk. I was just talking to your autoresponder.  
TT: Dude, I’m right here.  
TT: I can see that.  
TT: What do you want?  
TT: Is it so hard to believe that I just wanted to talk to you?  
TT: Yes. Pretty sure you're supposed to respond, not whatever the hell all that was.  
TT: But I love you, dad.  
TT: ...  
TT: Okay, fine.  
TT: It seems as though you have been responding to your friends significantly less in the past few days. I’m not here to ask how you’re doing, because I know the answer: Not fucking great. I only suggest you remedy this soon. Your friends miss you.  
TT: They have you.  
TT: Do you really think that’s enough?

 **7 PM**  
The sun is going down, thank god.

 **9 PM**  
You break your computer’s keyboard, just to have something to fix.

 **12 AM**  
The sun has been down for what feels like years. You’re not productive ever, so it doesn’t really matter what time of the day it is, does it? You watch some movies, and rewatch your favourite season of your favourite show. This is all as you plan projects you’ll never finish.

 **1 AM**  
You shower, because it feels like it’s been millennia since you’ve done it last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew!!!  
> a while ago i made an instrumental dirk strider character study playlist. the plan was to write a little bit for each song, but motivation ran out pretty quickly (obviously). still, i liked what came from it too much not to put it somewhere :)  
> heres the playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2D1P4eLy6ZsvHjIVitWPnZ?si=vJYJawSOSfmOBW3E3mgUIg


End file.
